Disappointed, but Trusting

"I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." 

                                                                                 (Jer. 29:11)

I've known that verse for years. I've quoted it dozens of times. That doesn't mean that when my plans fall through I'm any less disappointed. And today, I am disappointed. I thought I had the next step all figured out. Everything was  all planned. Things were working together. 

Who am I kidding? I'm not in control of any of it. 

I'm not a parent yet. So, I don't think I can fully understand what it means to love a child and unconditionally always want the best for them. But I do have two loving parents of my own and I know that from the time I was born, they always made decisions based on what they thought was best for me. There were times when it didn't always feel that way, and sometimes it hurt, but looking back I can know they did everything out of love for me. And those are my earthly parents.

I have to believe that the motives of my Heavenly Father are even more pure, His heart more loving, and His plan more accurate. I have to believe that anything and everything that happens to me.....is for my good. He would never do anything to hurt me. He would never allow me to go through anything that wouldn't ultimately be in my best interests. 

So, how can I be upset when my plans fall through? 

It's GOT to be for my good. 

Even though I'm disappointed and a little hurt, it HAS to be for my good!! 

And that's where I am this morning. 

I'm disappointed, but I'm trusting my Father 

                      

                        ...........and the love He has for me.

TiTi Beka

Just wanted everyone else to see how cute my nephew, Lincoln, is. He's precious and I want to eat him up!

Sporadic

I've been known to make spur-of-the-moment decisions.

My original move from Wisconsin to South Carolina, back in 2005, was made in just a week. I bought Chelsea (my car) the same day I went to the dealership. I left at one o'clock in the morning and drove all night to be there when my kindred spirit friend, Sara Thompson, had her first child. (James arrived an hour before I did, for the record) I did the same thing when Sarah-Marie had her first child, Jack.

My point is, I fly by the seat of my pants and I honestly love living that way. I know there will come a point in time when I will have responsibilities and roots holding me down, but for now....I'm footloose and fancy-free. [I don't actually know what "fancy-free" means]

So, in the spirit of genuine spontaneity I have decided to head to South Carolina this weekend. And the reasons are three-fold.

1. I haven't been "home" since January. And let's be honest, that's WAY too long.

2. I have Friday off of work, which makes me wanna celebrate one less day in this hell hole that is my job.

3. My friends.

The past couple of weeks have been difficult for a lot of people, myself included.
I need to be around my real friends; the ones who truly know me; my sisters.

It was a sporadic decision, but those friendships....the real deal friendships....are anything BUT sporadic.

And frankly, that's exactly what I need!

It's me again.

Just in case anyone out there was wondering....

I'm still here.

Although, for awhile there I think I actually forgot I had a blog. 

Or maybe I forgot how to blog. 

Either way, the blog's still here and so am I.

As I get ready to start the next chapter, I think I've decided I need the catharsis that blogging provides. Especially for the next couple of months. I'm worried I may not make it to July. Kidding. But serious.

Here's hoping that writing about the next three months makes them just fly by. 

Hoping. 

~BD

Still Standing

It's hard to believe just how different my life is from the last time I actually wrote on this thing. My last post was about starting over and that's exactly what I've done. Allow me to recap the past two years:

*moved to Anderson, SC
*moved to Marion, IN
*spent two wretched weeks working in a factory (NEVER AGAIN!)
*spent a year coaching high school girls basketball
*spent a year substitute teaching
*moved again in Marion, IN
*spent eight months 911 dispatching for the sheriff's department
*spent a year helping out with the IWU women's basketball team
*spent four months working at a local health clinic
*got a new job working in Fort Wayne, IN
*moved to Fort Wayne, IN

But in spite of all these "changes" that have happened over the past two years, the one that means the most to me, and that one that is nearly impossible to explain, is the change that has happened in my heart/mind/spirit.

When I wrote my last post about starting over back in 2009, my heart was broken, my mind was exhausted, and my spirit was weary. And while my heart is still fragile...my mind is refreshed and my spirit renewed. And you know what? I'm stronger because of it all.

I won't go as far to say "I wouldn't change a thing" because truth be told, if I could go back, I'd change a ton of things. I will, however, say that I'm thankful for it all.

God is faithful.
God is gracious.
God is real!

Repeat

I wrote this post on my blog last January. Strange how relevant it still seems.

Starting over is never easy.
It requires you to begin again;
to leave
somewhere/something comfortable
and put yourself in a place of
uncertainty.

While I am not an avid fan of starting over, I do understand the necessity of it.
There are times when we have no choice in the matter; times when it is decided for us.
There are times when we have no other choice but to start over; times when it is our only option.
And there are times when we simply want to begin again.

I can't say what time this is for me.
Part of me feels like I have no choice; as if someone else is calling the shots.
Part of me feels this is the only possible course of action; like the alternative could destroy me.
And part of me wants so desperately to begin again.

So here I am.
Forced or willing.......here I am, starting over.
The problem lies in those memories... pregnant with hope.

In the midst of the storm

Sometimes I feel like I really should suck it up and stop being such a baby. The "problems" or "storms" in my life are nothing compared to those of some others. My life truly is blessed and regardless of what I may be going through today, God has already done more for me than I could ever hope to think or ask. But even knowing all that, I sometimes still feel as if I am in the middle of a storm that is raging out of control. It may be inconsequential to everyone else around me, but to me it is exhausting and frightening and completely overwhelming. My dear friend, Erin, shared this with me today and it was like salve to my soul.

"There's something about strong winds that make you realize how easily you could blow away. There's something about Jesus sleeping thru such winds that make me realize how confident He must have been in His ability to speak to a storm. There's something about that which makes me really take heart in hearing the words "Peace. Be still."

I realize that, even as we are doing well here and are really making this transition well, we all really need to hear His word: "Peace."Peace. Be still.

Take a deep breath (I'm talking to myself, here). My God is bigger than these gale-force winds... whatever they are... we may have to walk with our heads down pressing forward with all our might, but we will not be blown away. Nor will you."

My prayer in the midst of this storm is for peace; peace to face it head on(whether I like it or not) and overcome and grow. And that peace can't be fabricated or faked. That peace comes directly from the One who both created the storm and has the power to calm it at any moment. Lord, let me be still!