Choices

I can't remember where I heard the statement "you teach people how to treat you", but it's begun to run through my mind on a daily basis. A wise friend told me a couple of nights ago that you can only hate how someone treats you or how you are treated in a relationship for so long. At some point you can't blame it on anyone else; at some point you have to realize that it's your fault.

I didn't really want to hear that because it's easier to pretend like it's out of your control and that you're this helpless victim when it comes to being hurt and mistreated. I'm beginning to realize, ever so painfully, that I'm not a helpless victim in this. If anything, I'm a willful victim; some sort of masochist. And that realization causes my blood to boil, but at the same time breaks my heart. Because the truth is, when you open yourself up in a relationship you fully expect the other individual to respect that and respect you. You never hope or expect for someone to simply take what they want out of their end of the relationsihp and care nothing about your end. It saddens me to think that people are that selfish and it saddens me even more that I trusted them.

I read an article this morning and it seemed all too relevant. Here is a portion of it:

"One of my favorite quotes is "the genius of good communication is to be totally kind and totally honest at the same time." I repeat this quote often to remind myself how to approach teaching people how to treat me. If I do not tell the truth about what works for me, I cannot expect another person to honor and respect it. Learning to teach people how to treat us takes practice.

You may still have folks who have been in your life for a long time who take advantage of you, treat you poorly, or are angry, abusive or violent. A habit has been established and they may like it a lot! Consider telling them the truth about how their behavior affects you and what changes would make the relationship feel more respectful and caring for you. Be both honest and kind. Be prepared to have to repeat this information consistently over time. It is sometimes "inconvenient" for these folks to remember that you have now stated your preferences. They may not want to change. Holding these boundaries also requires attention on your part. Once you have asked for the change, you must insist on it or consider giving up the relationship. Both of these tasks take positive self-esteem and self-confidence."

It's taken me awhile, but I think I'm ready to ask for change and insist on it. No, I think I'm ready to demand it. I'm not sure I have the self-esteem or self-confidence to do that just yet, but I'm moving forward with or without it.