Choices

I can't remember where I heard the statement "you teach people how to treat you", but it's begun to run through my mind on a daily basis. A wise friend told me a couple of nights ago that you can only hate how someone treats you or how you are treated in a relationship for so long. At some point you can't blame it on anyone else; at some point you have to realize that it's your fault.

I didn't really want to hear that because it's easier to pretend like it's out of your control and that you're this helpless victim when it comes to being hurt and mistreated. I'm beginning to realize, ever so painfully, that I'm not a helpless victim in this. If anything, I'm a willful victim; some sort of masochist. And that realization causes my blood to boil, but at the same time breaks my heart. Because the truth is, when you open yourself up in a relationship you fully expect the other individual to respect that and respect you. You never hope or expect for someone to simply take what they want out of their end of the relationsihp and care nothing about your end. It saddens me to think that people are that selfish and it saddens me even more that I trusted them.

I read an article this morning and it seemed all too relevant. Here is a portion of it:

"One of my favorite quotes is "the genius of good communication is to be totally kind and totally honest at the same time." I repeat this quote often to remind myself how to approach teaching people how to treat me. If I do not tell the truth about what works for me, I cannot expect another person to honor and respect it. Learning to teach people how to treat us takes practice.

You may still have folks who have been in your life for a long time who take advantage of you, treat you poorly, or are angry, abusive or violent. A habit has been established and they may like it a lot! Consider telling them the truth about how their behavior affects you and what changes would make the relationship feel more respectful and caring for you. Be both honest and kind. Be prepared to have to repeat this information consistently over time. It is sometimes "inconvenient" for these folks to remember that you have now stated your preferences. They may not want to change. Holding these boundaries also requires attention on your part. Once you have asked for the change, you must insist on it or consider giving up the relationship. Both of these tasks take positive self-esteem and self-confidence."

It's taken me awhile, but I think I'm ready to ask for change and insist on it. No, I think I'm ready to demand it. I'm not sure I have the self-esteem or self-confidence to do that just yet, but I'm moving forward with or without it.

she said it better

Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is
Made out ofmy own devices....
Could I be wrong?

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted
my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do
I'll open upThe moon for you
Just come down soon

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted
My piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.
(One Sweet Love by Sara Bareilles)


these days.....she seems to say it better!

new eyes

The past several days I've been experiencing this abnormal sense of peace. I don't mean that peace is abnormal, I just mean that it is abnormal for me lately. I'm also not saying that the peace of God is abnormal, but it is not a natural human emotion. I can say with certainty that it is the peace of God that has begun to hold me in this tranquil state of rest. I can't explain it really, since my life is about to be in disarray once again and it would make total sense for me to start worrying and stewing over everything. This verse came to mind this morning and I read it with new eyes and began to see my life for what it is and how it is.....

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matt. 6:34 (The Message)

I've had other experiences in my life where I have been called (sometimes forced) to depend on and trust in the Lord. This time is no different. I don't know where I'll be living in two weeks, but I do know that "God will help [me] deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes".

There's real peace in that concept; real Peace and unexplainable Freedom.