Repeat

I wrote this post on my blog last January. Strange how relevant it still seems.

Starting over is never easy.
It requires you to begin again;
to leave
somewhere/something comfortable
and put yourself in a place of
uncertainty.

While I am not an avid fan of starting over, I do understand the necessity of it.
There are times when we have no choice in the matter; times when it is decided for us.
There are times when we have no other choice but to start over; times when it is our only option.
And there are times when we simply want to begin again.

I can't say what time this is for me.
Part of me feels like I have no choice; as if someone else is calling the shots.
Part of me feels this is the only possible course of action; like the alternative could destroy me.
And part of me wants so desperately to begin again.

So here I am.
Forced or willing.......here I am, starting over.
The problem lies in those memories... pregnant with hope.

In the midst of the storm

Sometimes I feel like I really should suck it up and stop being such a baby. The "problems" or "storms" in my life are nothing compared to those of some others. My life truly is blessed and regardless of what I may be going through today, God has already done more for me than I could ever hope to think or ask. But even knowing all that, I sometimes still feel as if I am in the middle of a storm that is raging out of control. It may be inconsequential to everyone else around me, but to me it is exhausting and frightening and completely overwhelming. My dear friend, Erin, shared this with me today and it was like salve to my soul.

"There's something about strong winds that make you realize how easily you could blow away. There's something about Jesus sleeping thru such winds that make me realize how confident He must have been in His ability to speak to a storm. There's something about that which makes me really take heart in hearing the words "Peace. Be still."

I realize that, even as we are doing well here and are really making this transition well, we all really need to hear His word: "Peace."Peace. Be still.

Take a deep breath (I'm talking to myself, here). My God is bigger than these gale-force winds... whatever they are... we may have to walk with our heads down pressing forward with all our might, but we will not be blown away. Nor will you."

My prayer in the midst of this storm is for peace; peace to face it head on(whether I like it or not) and overcome and grow. And that peace can't be fabricated or faked. That peace comes directly from the One who both created the storm and has the power to calm it at any moment. Lord, let me be still!

Having you there....

"You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone, because then you will get more enjoyment out of what you earn. If you fall, your friend can help you up." ~Eccl. 4:9-10
*********************************

My life is so much more enjoyable because of the beautiful women God has placed in my life. And my life is so much more bearable because they are there to help shoulder the load that this life offers.

*********************************

I love you, girls! From the core of who I am.

Resting...

I had my ipod on shuffle this afternoon and these words seemed to come at the moment I most needed to hear them today. Thank you Reuben Morgan. And thank you to my Heavenly Father who knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

In to Your hands I commit again
All I am for you, Lord
You hold my world
In the palm of Your hands
And I am yours. Forever.

Jesus, I believe in You
Jesus, I believe in You
You're the reason that I live;
The reason that I sing with all I am

I'll walk with you wherever You go
Through tears and joys
I'll trust in You
And I will live in all of your ways;
Your promises. Forever

When The Rain Comes

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away

When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace

To run and hide

Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain

From falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain

But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done

When the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone

Rest awhile

It'll be alright

No one loves you like I do

I can't stop the rain

From falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain

But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes...

I will hold you

~Third Day

Friendship

I've lived a lot of places in my life. I've worked at a lot of different jobs. I've played on a lot of teams. And consequently, I know a lot of people. I don't mean that arrogantly either. I have had the privilege of interacting with and getting to know a large number of very different people. There are old classmates, going back to my K-5 days and all the way through my one shining semester in grad school. There are old teammates from middle school, high school, AAU, college, and church league. There are people I was in 4-H with. There are people from each of my very different jobs, starting when I was ten years old. There are people from church. There are people from the gym. There are people who I know through my six siblings. There are people I just know through other people. Most of these people I would venture to classify as acquaintances of mine, in varying degrees of relationship. Some of them I haven't seen or talked to in years and some I may never talk to again. But there are a few, a select few that I would proudly call my friends. And an even smaller number who are my "kindred spirits", my +1's, the friends to whom my soul is forever tied.

"Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family." (Prov 18:24)

I was trying to think about what a true friend is and what characteristics they possess. These are the things I recognize in my true friends that I value, cherish, and am so thankful for. They're always there, no matter the circumstances. They "love at all times", even in the midst of conflict, adversity, and despair. They are the ones there to pick me up when I fall, encourage me when I falter, and praise me when I succeed. They understand the value of having my trust. They respect the choice I have made to confide in them and they protect that. They protect me. They prove themselves every day as worthy of my trust. They respect me. They put up with my craziness. They don't judge me in my weakness. They're quick to forgive. They listen.....a lot. They love me in spite of myself. They love me outside of themselves. They extend grace to me when I least deserve it. They are for me. They cheer me on, having no personal stake in my success. They accept who I am. They don't require me to prove anything. They do not look to me for validation or worth. They are the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. They confront me in candor and love. They encourage me in my walk with Christ. They speak Truth into my life.

I don't deserve to have any of these people in my life, but in His grace, God has blessed me with more than a few. I do not know where or what I would be without the true friends God has placed in my life. I only hope and pray that I can be that type of friend in return. I love you guys!

3.23.09

I wasn't sure where this phrase came from, but I felt the strongest urge to use it today.

"piss or get off the pot"

As it turns out, it's absolutely fitting for how I feel today.

"[Piss] or get off the pot" is a common English language colloquial expression, used to imply a person should follow up their stated intentions, with action. It is also used to urge someone to complete a task with a greater degree of efficiency or timeliness than is observed at the time the expression is used."

Like I said: fitting!

Naples

Three days spent in Naples, Florida doesn't hardly seem like enough. It was the first time I'd actually watched the sun set over the ocean and it was absolutley breathtaking every time. I didn't realize how much quicker sunset happens than sunrise. Once it gets to a certain point on the horizon line, that big ball of fire just seems to free fall suddenly. It really is amazing.

I spent three glorious days with my best friend from high school and her mom, in an 11th floor condo, on Vanderbilt Beach. We spent hours at the pool, took several long walks on the beach, ate the most glorious piece of grouper EVER, and caught up on the past several years. I'm so thankful that they dragged me along on this little vaca' and look forward to our trip next summer. Marco Island, anyone?

I always seem to get introspective after vacations, which I'm going to assume is completely normal. Anyway, we were sitting around the pool on Sunday morning and Kristin asked me what I was planning on doing for my birthday this year, which will by #29. I'm not really big on birthday celebrations, probably because I just don't like being the center of attention, but I'm well aware that I'm creepin' up on the big 3-0 and probably warrants some kind of celebration. I guess I'm just not in a hurry to admit that the years keep passing. I want so desperately for my life to move and I don't even care what direction it goes in. I just want some type of movement. But just like I reminded a dear friend last week, sometimes we're put in a position where waiting is the only option. Sometimes, God calls us to a task that creates a situation in which we have no other option but to let go. I guess I thought that the older I got the more control I would have, but as it turns out, the older I get the more I realize just how little control I actually do have.

just to keep me going

"God proves to be good....to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times."
(Lam. 3:25)

Just a reminder

I needed to be reminded this morning of a very simple, yet hugely comforting truth about my Jesus. Luckily, this song came on my ipod...

So faithful, so constant and so true

So powerful in all You do

You fill me, You see me

You know my every move

You love for me to sing to You

***

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me

I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart

To remind me who You are

***

I'm amazed at how easy it is for me to think that God has no idea where I am in my life, or that He knows exactly where I am and has allowed me to get to this point only to make me miserable. I'm ashamed to admit that I think that sometimes, but it's true. So many times I question the way in which He is working in my life and think arrogantly that I could do so much better. I'm not sure why I would think I could do better, but for some reason I do.

***

We have been working our way through the book of Mark at church and there are two things that are continuously jumping out at me every week. One is that the things that I want are not necessarily the things that I need. It's hard to let go of things that I am convinced would be right for me, but I am learning to trust that my Father is taking care of me and that He is "for me" in every situation. The other thing I've been learning is that even though I constantly try to control and manipulate situations to get what I want, He simply waits for me to stop struggling and then steps back in and reminds me who He is. In His patience, He never gets frustrated with me. In His Love, He never gives up on me. In His grace, He never turns me loose.

***

He sees me.

He hears me.

He's for me.

And that's enough to get me through today.

Spring Break '09

Where: Vanderbilt Beach, Naples, Florida

When: March 19-22, 2009

What: Body Bronzing 101

Who: Yours Truly!!!! :)

beware

i started taking my medication, or "leptic pills" as they have been so aptly named by my best friend. i've been taking them consistently for four days, if four days can even be considered consistent. when the doctor handed me the samples and said, "these should help you stay awake throughout the day", i believed her. i really did. i was excited about feeling awake, but now i'm starting to believe she was full of it.

i slept eight hours last night. i even decided to tivo the bachelor so i could get an extra hour of sleep, which wasn't too difficult considering the crap jason mesnick pulled on monday night's three hour spectacle. i'm still upset about that. anyway, i decided that watching jason and molli discuss their relationship could wait. i wanted to make sure i was rested for today since it's gonna be a long one. so, i crawled in bed at ten o'clock and fell asleep shortly thereafter. sadly when i woke up this morning, i didn't feel a minute of it. it felt like i had just laid my head down. you know it's bad when everyone at work asks if you're okay and tells you how awful you look. today i'd have to agree with them. i look as tired as i feel. and i took my pill this morning. go figure!

but that's not the worst of it. i've been tired for months, maybe even years. that i can handle. it's miserable, but i can deal with it. the thing i can't handle is how these "leptic pills" are making me feel. my good friend, sara, is having a baby in june. she had a hormotional episode the other day where she basically felt like a stranger in her own body. now while i'm not pregnant and have nowhere near the hormones raging as she does - that's exactly how i feel. i don't feel like myself and i haven't for the past several days....four days, to be exact. at first i just thought it was the exhaustion that was making me feel this way, but after doing a little researching online - i'm blamin' the pills.

i blog about this only to warn those whom i interact with regularly.
i'll say it before i need to, "it's not me! it's the pills"

The Results Are In

After three weeks of waiting, I finally got the results of my sleep study yesterday afternoon. I arrived at the Sleep Disorder Clinic around three o'clock and joined three other people in the waiting room, all of which happened to be middle-aged, heavy set, men. I just kept thinking to myself how out of place I felt in there. They all brought their CPAP machines with them, stored tightly in their handy-dandy carrying cases and I began to panic over the fact that I was soon to be issued one of those same machines, in a boring, boyish, blue case.

True to form in the medical field, I was made to wait about twenty-five minutes to see the doctor. It was all I could do to fight from laying my head back on that chair and going to sleep. Anyone who is around me a lot, you know how often I say, "I could go to sleep right here". That's really how I feel all the time. It doesn't matter when or where. So needless to say, I was ready for the results.

They finally came out and called my name and I followed Dr. Sokhandan to her office. I was a little nervous when I sat down across from her because all I could see were these CPAP, Darth Vadar, elephant breathing machines on the shelf in front of me. She pulled out this manilla folder with my name on it, and started glancing over the results from my sleep study. I held my breath. Then I heard her say that my evening study did not show any signs of my having sleep apnea at all. In fact, all of those results looked relatively normal. Then she moved on to the day study results, which is when I had taken all those naps. The red flag to her was the fact that at twenty-eight years old, I was able to fall asleep within 5-10 minutes every time and sleep soundly enough to reach a dream state. In her words, "that's not a good thing" and "from these results, I would diagnose you with a mild case of narcolepsy".

Narcolepsy, people. Beka has narcolepsy! It's not the severe kind where I fall asleep mid-conversation or behind the wheel, but it is mild enough to cause me to suffer from Extreme Drowsiness Syndrome (EDS). And no, I did not make that up. That's legit. I'm still not one hundred percent sure of everything, but here's what I know. I sleep at night, without being restless or without gasping for air. The problem is a chemical imbalance in my brain with the protein that regulates sleep and awake cycles. I'm already researching the protein itself and also the meds she gave me to try and regulate it. I don't really want to be on a prescription med for the rest of my life, but I do want to feel awake. Who knows.

All this to say, I DO NOT have sleep apnea.
I DO have narcolepsy.
I've seen Deuce Bigalow. Let the jokes and taunting begin. :)

Holding On

Maybe it's my extreme exhaustion. Maybe it's my hormones, which tend to be thrown off by my exhaustion. Maybe it's just the fact that time is passing, against my will.

Whatever the reason, I find myself desperate today.

****************

I'm desperate for God to really show up in my life.

I'm desperate for Him to show me what to do.

I'm desperate for change.

****************

And He knows that.

He sees me where I am.

He hears my heart's cry.

He cares about all of it.

****************

And so I cling to His promise, once again.

*******

"But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you.

He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.

God takes time to do everything right - everything.

Those who wait around for Him are the lucky ones."

(Isaiah 30:18)

Fingers Crossed

Sunday night I checked myself into the Southeast Regional Sleep Disorder Center for my much-anticipated sleep study. I was really excited about getting it over with, but was just as nervous about what I could expect from the experience. I've been so ready to find out what is keeping me from ever feeling really rested. Although I wasn't given any "results", I was told that they "got a good study and the doctor shouldn't have any problem making a diagnosis". Somehow that didn't ease the anxiety of it all, but I guess we'll find out in two weeks.

Allow me to tell the story....

I drove up to the building, and parked my Explorer among the 4 others in the parking lot. I belive there were 2 other studies going on at the same time, plus the night-shift technicians working. Anyway, so I walked in the door and was greeted by a sweet, Southern, white-haired woman named, Ann. She was responsible for "taking care of me" that night. She walked me down the hallway to my room, which somewhat resembled a hotel room. She showed me where the bathroom and the kitchen were and then gave me time to get ready for "bed" so she could get me ready for the study. Little did I know how I was to be prepared! I washed my face and brushed my teeth and then went back to my room, #4 (I shall never forget it), and then Ann came in and proceeded to hook me up. She attached 4 electrodes to my legs, 1 to my side, 2 on my chest, 7 on my head/scalp, 4 on my face, a snore mic on my throat, and an oxygen monitor to my nose. Needless to say, I was a sight. Just ask the two people I was brave enough to send the picture to. They know and were quick to tell me how ridiculous I looked. See for yourself.

After she attached on the wires and electrodes to me, she had me get into the bed (the bed was actually really really comfy, which was a pleasant surprise). Had I not been wired up like a nuclear weapon, I may have slept more soundly. Maybe that's the point though. Anyway, she ushered me off to dreamland, but not before talking to me through the intercom. I failed to mention that there was an intercom and a video camera in #4 with me, wherewith my every word and action could be monitored. Creepy. She spoke to me through the speaker and had me shift my eyes, blink, grind my teeth, cough, move my legs, and all this other stuff that I'm not sure what the purpose was. After sending quite a few text messages, I was able to doze off. I did wake up sometime in the night to Ann standing over my bed with a replacement oxygen monitor thingy (official name) because I had somehow removed mine from my face. Joy! I had no problem going right back to sleep, but was awakened once again by Ann saying, "You're almost at 8 hours, so it's time to wake up". Seriously, Ann? I was not happy with her, despite her precious dimeanor the night before. She informed me that the day shift technician would be in my room in about 30 minutes to get me ready for my first nap. A nap? I just woke up. The kicker was that when you weren't sleeping you had to be out of the bed. So, I dragged my squinty self over the the recliner and turned on the tv to try and stay awake. There's really nothing on that early except informercials, which I reluctantly zoned out to. I think it was something about teaching babies to read. It looked legit.

Thirty minutes later, Kelly comes in to get me ready for my first nap. I never saw Ann again. Too bad. I liked her. Kelly explained to me that I would have twenty minutes to fall asleep and fifteen minutes to sleep. So, if I was able to fall asleep immediately then I could technically sleep for 35 minutes. At that point I would have taken 5 minutes. She hooked me back up the monitors, talked to me briefly through the intercom and then said something that I thought was hilarious. She said, "Go ahead and get comfortable and don't resist the urge to fall asleep". As if I would even want to resist the urge to fall asleep. I didn't resist in the slightest and was asleep in minutes only to be awakened minutes later, in the middle of my REM cycle, to be told my nap was over. BAH!!!! There was and hour and a half until my next nap, so I was forced to try and stay awake in my chair. I succeeded and then proceeded to take 4 more naps, each lasting 15 minutes. By the end of the day, I was pretty annoyed with Kelly for jerking me out of all my naps, even if that was her job. I finished the whole thing about 4:30pm on Monday evening and made a beeline for the backdoor. I was ready to be done with it. I needed a shower. I needed to eat. And I needed to sleep for more than 20 minutes.

So that's the gist of it. It was an experience that I'm hoping proves fruitful and worthwhile. I'm hoping that when I go back in two weeks, the kind doctor will be able to provide some answers for my constant state of exhaustion and some solution for the problem. Fingers crossed, everyone!!!!

wasted

Q: Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly.

That's the kind of joke my friend, Sara, would tell with a childlike giggle in her throat. That's one of the things I love about her, is her ability to make me laugh at something so not funny. As not funny as that joke is, the whole idea about time flying has had me thinking a lot lately. I've really begun to think about, and be conscious of, how I spend my time. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. I don't know. Whatever the reason though, I'm aware.

I don't feel like I waste time, although some could qualify the several hours a week I spend watching smutty tv as wasteful. I try to keep myself pretty busy every day. I've tried to involve myself in activities from sunrise to sunset, partly because I don't like going home to spend too much time in an empty apartment. Whatever the reason, I'm not home all that much. So, I've started to question how I'm spending my days.

I work. I coach. I work out. I have Bible studies. I hang out with friends. None of those are bad things. But am I making a difference? Outside of work, there really isn't that much time left in each day and I want to make sure I'm actually using the time I've been given for something that will last longer than me. I have no doubt that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life, but I don't want to simply be satisfied with being here. A lot of times I feel like I'm just hanging out and taking up space, but I know that's not true. I want to use this time I've been given to make a difference, whatever that looks like. I guess I'm just trying to figure that out and I guess my point in writing all this is to say that I want to be sure I'm not missing opportunities because I'm wasting the time I'm given.

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

For the past couple of years I have been in a constant state of exhaustion. I know that I keep myself pretty busy with activity, but I have never been one to sacrifice sleep for anything. Even in college, I never pulled an all-nighter to study or even to socialize. I could always be found in my bunk, by 11:30pm, regardless of what everyone else had going on. I just need my sleep. I always have. But the thing is, the past several of years I have never been able to get enough. It doesn't matter if I sleep 4 hours or 8 hours, my body feels the same: exhausted!

NO MORE!!!!!

Tomorrow, Lord-willing, begins the process of fixing me; or fixing my problem rather. Tomorrow morning I have a consultation at the Southeastern Regional Sleep Disorders Center which will hopefully reveal what the heck is going on in my REM cycles. I have this huge fear that I am going to join the ranks of my family that have sleep apnea and be forced to sleep with a cpap machine, but at this point I don't care if I sound like Darth Vadar when I sleep. At least I will be sleeping. I would give an arm and a leg to actually feel rested when I wake up in the morning.

I know they were actually singing about food, but I just picture all those orphans in the movie, Oliver, screaming at the top of their lungs "Sleep, glorious sleep....."

I'd sing along.

2009

I'm amazed at just how quickly time passes. Seriously. I've been out of high school for 11 years and out of college for 7 years. It's been almost 4 years since I moved to South Carolina. And to top it all off...dum dum dum...I turn 29 this year! That's just one year away from 30, people! 30!!!!!!

I don't feel old. I probably should, but I don't. Not that 30 is old, but for some reason that number has this stigma on it in my mind. I'm sure when I turn 40, I'll remember with fondness the day I turned 30 and remember just how young I felt "back in those days". But for now....29 precedes 30 and thirty freaks me out a bit.

All that rambling to get to my point that time is short. People always say that and it's so easy for me to forget it, but it is unbelievably true! This is a new year; a chance to start over; a new beginning. Last year is gone with all its pain, joy, and mistakes. I can't go back and change things even if i wanted to. And I definitely can't go back and take advantage of the opportunities I missed along the way. They're gone. But the beautiful thing about this short life we've been given is that every day is new and every new year brings with it 365 days of newness to experience and enjoy.

I've never been one for New Years resolutions, but I decided that 2009 will be different. I've written down a list of goals for myself this year that will hopefully foster movement in my life. I don't want to look back at the end of 2009 and wonder what I accomplished this year or how I grew or how I made a difference. I really want to KNOW I did all of those things. Not that setting goals will guarantee that happens, but I'm hoping it will encourage the process. I'm excited about this year and all that it is sure to hold for me. That Michael Buble song just popped in my head...

"it's a new dawn. it's a new day. it's a new life for me. and i'm feelin' good"!!!!!!